Letting Go vS. Letting Down
"Overachiever" has been a key descriptor of me for as long as I can remember, and will likely remain that way. It is simply a part of who I am. I readily admit that I put things on my to-do list that I've already done just for the thrill of checking them off. I revel in challenge--in fact, I need to be challenged. And of course as an overachiever, I am very hard on myself--harder than anyone else ever would be. The overachiever's motivation is usually fear of failure, fear of the judgement that comes with failure, whether from oneself or from others. There is a thrill to my ego that comes--both from myself and from others--when I've achieved more than what is 'normal.' Getting through a "vortex," completing a 21 day yoga challenge, going to a baby shower in Boston and coming back to work an event all in the same day. All of these moments were, in some part though not entirely, driven by my overachieving ego seeking the thrill of approval. This morning, in a quiet and seemingly ordinary moment, I realized that my attitude towards failure has shifted.
I set myself up for a couple of challenges this July. First, the ongoing challenge of the farm share. Second, another 21 day yoga challenge. The 21 day yoga challenge had become one of my favorite things--because it's hard to accomplish with all that I have going on. And heading in to this one, I had little to no weekend time available, giving me no wiggle room. Oooooh, challenge, bring it on! I sat down, penciled in when I would practice in between life, work, CrossFit. And on the first day, I didn't go to yoga. I was sidetracked my a need to sleep after a late night writing a new business proposal. So, I re-worked my strategy and was back on track. By the next week, I don't even remember what happened, but it became pretty clear to me that I should let go of this 21 day challenge. I was at peace with this decision--and I ran into my friend Kimberly at the Dupont studio. She said, "What? But you LOVE the 21 day challenge!" Normally this kind of "challenge" would make me more determined to achieve my goal--but still I felt at peace with my decision to let go of this challenge. Or so I thought, until later that week my plans changed and an opportunity to make up yoga classes presented itself. So I went for it. And for awhile, I was back on track. Until this past weekend, when I was wiped out from all of the wedding festivities. So for a third time, I let go of this 21 day challenge. I realized I didn't have anything to prove, I've already conquered this challenge. I already practice yoga almost everyday. I have made exercise a priority in my life. I am making healthy choices more frequently than unhealthy ones. I have not let myself down.
The quiet moment this morning when I realized this came after an email from the yoga studio letting me know that I hadn't achieved 21 classes in 21 days (it was a very encouraging, non-judge mental email)...and that didn't bother me at all. Then I went to my refrigerator to get my lunch ready and I realized that it's farm share pickup day and I have not done anything with the veggies from last week yet. "FAIL," I said to myself. But a great thing happened...I did not feel that I had failed. I did not feel that I had let myself down. I felt the difference between letting myself down and simply letting go of the need to achieve. It was a powerful moment, realizing that part of self-care, self-compassion is not only listening to my physical body but also being kind to my spirit.
I am learning to let go of the fear that slowing down, letting go, is equivalent to undoing hard-won achievements. I am learning to be confident in my own dedication to being healthy, and that part of that dedication means accepting that I can't be "perfect" all the time, if for no other reason than I do not want to be.
Originally published August 1, 2013